27 September 2025

‘You don’t want to hurt the people you love, but if you have to hurt them to become yourself, to have the life you desire - then that’s what you’ll do.’ These words were spoken in the context of a discussion between two female friends one of whom has had an affair with the other’s husband.

There are two things that jar. The first is the acceptance that hurting people is justified in the pursuit of  a more desirable life. The second is that a fulfilled life is one in which we become ourselves. What are the criteria for a more desirable life? How do we know when we have become ourselves?

‘To have the life you desire’ sounds like something you can actually get. The dominant characteristic of this way of living is desire. It belongs to the heart and can lead us into all sorts of difficulties. I may desire more cake but if I get it will it fulfil me?

The tenth commandment makes sense of desire when it says, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his man-servant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.’

Desire belongs to our emotional life. There is a certain point when we are aware of our desire and can determine that restraining it  is the right thing to do. When we pass this point through tiredness, laziness, depression etc, our intellect gives way to our emotion and there’s no turning back.

Is the desirable life  the one in which we become ourselves? How does this becoming manifest itself? Are we not ourselves? If not, who are we? The focus of this way of living  is self and not Christ who calls us not to become ourselves but to forget ourselves and  become what he has called us to be, sons and daughters of God.